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Kay sounded more confused than angry the first time she said it. But when she repeated it, she sounded more upset. She went on to describe this recurring situation where people on her team would end up putting decisions and work back on her. Instead of working harder to get the work done, they’d give up and put it all back on her. She’d have to step in and make the decision or tell them exactly what they needed to do next to get things back on track. And it was SO FRUSTRATING!

So, we went looking for the part that carried all the frustration. When did it happen? How did she notice it? It was this weight across her shoulders and her chest. Not too heavy, just pressing down, no, pulling everything in, like collapsing her shoulders into her heart. And it always happened when people brought things back to her and when she had to point out how easy it should be for them.

Before going further, we had to adjust the scope of our focus, so I asked, “On the spectrum of this being 100% their fault to it’s 100% your fault, where do you think this lands?” Kay’s face softened, “I don’t think this is all them. I recruited half of them personally. I know they are good at their jobs. Let’s call this 50/50.” And with that, we could move forward in the work, “Let’s focus on the 50% you feel is yours.”

When we went inside to understand the Frustrated Part and why it got so upset in these situations, we learned that Kay had to work so hard to make things look so easy.

“My whole life, people called me smart, or advanced, or naturally athletic. They expected me to win every game and ace every test. Eventually, they didn’t even care that I was doing well, they just noticed when I failed. I had to work so, so, hard to accomplish everything. But that turned into working so, so, hard not to disappoint anyone.”

“Now I feel like I have to make things seem easy to be appreciated.”

“I just want to be appreciated.”

“Oh shit… I am projecting this onto the team! I always jump in to help, to make things look easy. For them to see how easy this is for me. But, then I get mad at them because they don’t appreciate me! But, I’m not appreciating any of their hard work either!”

And, with that, Kay was excited to go back and interact with her team a little differently.

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Thomas Knoll Founder, YourSecondCall.com